Have you ever had times were you think you’re making a good decision and then years later you look back and realize that it was God’s direction and perfect plan being worked out and you were just going along for the ride? That’s what happened when I met my husband Daniel. I thought I had found a good guy. He was a believer and everyone approved and I loved him to what capacity I was able to. The way we met and our whirlwind courtship is a whole other story, but the short version is we met in December, started “courting” in February, he gave me a promise ring in March, proposed in April, and we were married in August. If y’all did your math correctly that’s 9 months from meeting to married. And no we weren’t pregnant.
Daniel would always compliment me and tell me how perfect I was, he had no idea that this was feeding into my already distorted views of love. He said that as a way to tell me how amazed he was with me and who I was, I heard, you better keep it up if you want to remain loved. My idea of perfection was to cook, keep the house clean, be sexy, and agree with my husband and cause no conflict in the home. Don’t get me wrong, all these things are good things to aspire to but not to gain love. I recently heard a pastor say that we obey God not to earn our salvation or His love or acceptance but because He loved us and saved us we obey out of response to that love. I wish I understood this earlier.
Our married life started off with a bang. The following March I had a lumpectomy to remove a mass, and then on April 27th I found out I was pregnant. I still remember when the nurse told me I was pregnant I looked at her and asked how? Her face was priceless as she began to stumble through an explanation on how these things occur! This wasn’t what we had planned. We had wanted to wait 3-5 years not a mere 9 months. We were doing natural planning because my body wouldn’t tolerate birth control so I saw it as my weakness that caused the pregnancy. Looking back I now see it was part of God’s perfect plan and a much needed gift for me, oh and I guess Daniel too. When I went to Daniel’s office to tell him I was pregnant, I was terrified. I thought this would be it, he’d realize he wasn’t ready for a baby and would leave me. I wasn’t the perfect woman. I need to pause here for a second and let you know that he had never said or done anything to legitimize any of my fears, but when you believe lies your whole life (all 20 years of it) it’s hard to see things any other way. Years later when I told him all the fears I had been living with he was shocked and devastated. It was a hard conversation to have as he thought I was living in wedded bliss just like him. But of course he would believe that because that’s what I portrayed to him and the rest of the world. Don’t get me wrong, I was enjoying marriage but there was this constant shadow looming over me that God would take it all away. After all why would He want me to be happy when I was such a disappointment to Him?
I went into Daniel’s office and told him I was pregnant and all he did was pull me onto his lap and hold me and tell me how much he loved me. Unfortunately lies blinded me and I didn’t truly believe him. My whole pregnancy I worked extra hard to maintain life as normal, and not whine about the constant pain in my back and hips. I was scared. None of my friends were having kids. My mom was still very critical of everything I did so I didn’t go to her with these fears. I was alone. The sad thing is Daniel was there, he loved me and would have listened and welcomed my fears and concerns if only I had let him in. I wanted desperately to be loved but was so terrified that I was unlovable that I wasn’t about ready to risk actually letting him love me. I thought I had made a good decision when I married him, but God had been beyond merciful and gracious when He put the two of us together. God knew I would need an earthly example of His love to break through to my heart and thankfully Daniel was just the stubborn man that it would take.
Beautifully Broken 