As I was sitting here praying about what to write, I received a phone call from the doctor. I just had my first mammogram this week and let me tell you something, those things hurt!!! I’d heard that they were uncomfortable but as my knees buckled from the pain and I was suspended by only my extremely squished boob, uncomfortable wasn’t the word that came to mind. As I was trying to catch my breath after the first image was taken the radiologist said, “You have extremely dense breast tissue, but I’m sure you know that.” All I could manage was a nod but in my mind I thought, “How in the world would I know that? I don’t go around feeling boobs checking for density!” For those of you who are boob density unaware like I was, it means is I’m more likely for breast cancer and because they are so dense they are less likely to catch it. Having already had a mass in my breast that was in the first stages of cancer (see Storms), this news wasn’t horribly encouraging. She told me that they would send me the results in the mail unless there was something wrong, then they would call….
The call I got was from the scheduling center to set up an appointment to have another mammogram done (yippee) and ultra sound. When I asked why I was told I need to call my doctor to get that information. I’m sitting here now waiting for a call back from my doctor to tell me what they saw and why they need more tests. Honestly, I’m trying hard not to panic. This last few weeks have already been more than I thought I could bear and my husband has been out of town for almost a month and won’t be back for another couple of weeks. We’ve had to walk through some of the hardest family issues we’ve faced separated by 2500 miles and spotty cell service. I feel like my foundations are being shook. I just felt like the merry-go-round was starting to slow down and now….
Yesterday while I was doing Bible study I ran across Lamentations 3:17-26. I’ve never actual read all of Lamentaions, but a word study took me there and I fell in love with these verses. He spends the first part of the chapter bemoaning his fate very graphically. “He has caused the arrows of His quiver to pierce my loin.” (verse 13) Change loin to breast and I’d say that’s a more accurate description of a mammogram than “uncomfortable.” He goes on about how he’s had to drink poison (wormwood) and his teeth have been broken with gravel, and the list seems never ending. As he looks back over the calamity “my soul still remembers and sinks within me.” (verse20) That describes so perfectly what happened when I answered that phone call, my soul sank.
I don’t know if you’ve ever had those times where you feel like you can’t handle one more thing. That you’ve been spinning on the merry-go-round for too long and you just need to step off and catch your breath. I need a pause. Just a little break from the chaos, the unknown, the turmoil. “This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.” (verse 21-22) I love looking at the definitions of the original words. Before you get too impressed I use the Blue Letter Bible app and it does all that for me. Most of the definitions for the words in these verses aren’t too surprising but there’s one that made me take pause. The original word for compassion used here means womb, as cherishing the fetus. Here’s those verses in my words. I will wait with expectation and remind my soul that even through it all we are not at an end, we are not finished, His goodness, kindness, and faithfulness hold us and care for us like an expectant mother cherishes her young.
As I remind myself of who God is and all He’s already done for me, my heart starts to slow down. My breathing is returning to normal. I know that no matter what happens next He is still, and always will be in control. Just to be clear, I’m still nervous, I’m not excited to go have another mammogram. But I’m not going to let fear, panic and anxiety rule. I’m not going to listen to the “what if’s” that are already whispering in my ear. I’m making a choice to pause. I’m choosing not to spin out of control but to step off the crazy merry-go-round and rest in His arms. I’m making a choice to trust and wait on Him. Honestly, what else is there to do? I can’t get answers any quicker by worrying, and if it turns out to be nothing than I’ve wasted precious time He’s given me. I’m not going to let the potential diagnosis rob me of todays joys. I choose His rest.
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